When I was twenty-four years old, I realized that there was a huge void in my life. This void was like a dark prison cell that was closing in on me. I was captive to something beyond my control. The void that I felt inside of me seemed like a bottomless pit that just kept getting darker and darker and deeper and deeper.

At this time, everything seemed to be going well for me. I was a supervisor for Del Monte Foods in Stockton, California. I was attending college, and was the manager of a beautiful apartment complex. I was driving a new car and had many, many friends. According to the world standards, I had every reason to be fulfilled and happy. My friends thought that I had it made. I looked pretty good on the outside, but the fact is that I was as good as dead on the inside.

I tried to fill this void with many things, but nothing seemed to fill it. So I decided that what I needed was to go on a quest for God. I was raised to believe in God, but now I questioned His existence. For if God really was real, then why did I feel this way? Why did He seem so far from me? I decided that I was going to find out if God really existed by exploring different religions.

One month after I started on my quest, I became very ill and found myself in the hospital. The doctor's x-rays indicated that there was a spot on my left lung, but he could not figure out why it was there. They suspected that I had tuberculosis or cancer. Because I was so sick I was admitted the hospital so that they could run some tests and find out why I had the spot on my lung. For a while, I was confined to the part of the hospital where the tuberculosis patients stayed. I was horrified! I thought to myself , if I do not have tuberculosis , I'm surely going to catch it!

While in the hospital, a biopsy was performed on me to find out if I had cancer. In the process of this procedure, one of my blood vessels was ruptured. The doctors did not know it that time, but two hours later I could hardly breath. I called my doctor and he came immediately. He informed me that the doctor that had performed the biopsy had ruptured my blood vessel and that unless he withdrew the fluid immediately I would die. He left in a hurry to find another doctor to assist him in this procedure.

Just like that, I was left there all alone in that dark room that seemed as cold as a tomb. For the first time in my life I was face to face with a horrible monster, death, and I was terrified! I asked God to have mercy on me. I reminded Him of all my good works. I bargained with God, I was ready to try anything! Finally I became aware that I really did not know God. I only knew about him. So I cried out, "Lord please help me to know you, I cannot do it in my own wisdom!" A few minutes later I found myself picking up the phone calling somebody, I did not know whom. All I knew was that I was dying and I needed to talk to someone.

By accident I had called a University in Stockton. A pre-med student, Eleazar, who happened to be from Mexico also, answered the phone and started talking with me. He asked me where I was and asked me if he could visit me. Barely being able to speak, I told him to hurry because I may not be alive by the time he got the hospital. Immediately he came to see me.

When I saw him , I knew that he had something I wanted. He seemed so peaceful and full of Joy. I shared with Eleazar my fear of dying and how separated I felt from God. Mostly he listened to me and promised to be by my side. Before he left he prayed with me and reminded me that he would be there for me.

My fluid was successfully removed and two days later, while the doctors were still trying to find out what was wrong with me, I was completely well. So I quickly grabbed my stuff and got out of there before they did another experiment on me.

Eleazar continued to call me and befriend me and two weeks after I was out of the hospital, he invited me to a meeting in his church. At this time, God was the furthest thing from my mind. I was well now (physically anyway) and was keeping myself busy so that the void I felt would not bother me too much. I made up some excuse as to why I could not go, but because Eleazar had been with me in my hour of need, I decided to go anyway.

There must have been over one hundred people there that night, but when the pastor spoke I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. The pastor was talking about the void that all humans have and how God is the only one who can fill it. That night for the first time I was able to hear the gospel; John 3:16. The pastor was saying that God loved me so much that He had sent His only son to die in my place. He said that all were sinners because of Adam's disobedience. No one had to convince me that I was a sinner, in fact it was my sins that were weighing me down. He went on to say that there was nothing t hat I could do to save myself. That salvation was a free gift. That we are saved by grace.

How can salvation be free? I was brought up to believe that I had to earn my salvation by doing good deeds. All theses questions kept going through my mind. The pastor made it very clear that Jesus had done it all. All I had to do was repent of sins and believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus had died in my place and that He had resurrected from the dead. Wow! This was too good to be true! The Holy Spirit opened my eyes and I believed. I was sitting there on my seat, but inside I was jumping for joy! I looked around the room to see if anybody else was as joyful as I felt. That night I repented of my sins and made the decision to commit my life to Christ. I opened my heart and asked Jesus to come in my life. Wow! what a wonderful transformation has taken place! I am truly a new person. I see the world through different eyes.

Through my quest I learned that religion cannot fill the void in my heart It takes a person to fill that void and that person is Jesus Christ. Salvation is not found in religion, but in a relationship with Him. Jesus said, "Ï am the way and the truth and the life no one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6 ). Now my life has meaning and purpose.

Sometimes people ask me if I believe in miracles. I reply by saying that I am a miracle. I was dying in the hospital physically, but spiritually I was already dead. Now I am alive in Jesus Christ! The greatest miracle is the miracle of salvation!

My walk with Christ has been very fulfilling. I have had many mountaintops experiences. I have had the privilege to work as a Hospital and Hospice Chaplain and as an advocate for survivors. The Lord is opening doors where I can minister to those that are hurting. God is able to take my life's experiences, even the painful ones, and use them for His Glory. After receiving Christ, I also learned that I am not exempt from future hardships. In fact, I have encountered many difficult trials, persecution, and tribulations. One of my deepest valleys was the clergy sexual abuse and the way the church leaders responded to my plea for help. But one thing I'm sure about is that even when I encounter valleys, trials, persecution, and tribulations God will never leave me nor forsake me. I do not fear what the future may bring because Jesus is with me all the time.

In Phillipians 1:6 it says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am one hundred percent convinced that there is absolutely nothing that can separate me from the love God which is in Christ Jesus (Romans 8: 35?39). Even death has lost its hold on me. I no longer fear death because I know that Jesus conquered death already! I am no longer captive to the darkness that once consumed me. Jesus is the light of my life. He came to set the captives free. He has set me free!

You too can be set free from what ever is keeping you captive at this time. You too can find purpose and meaning in your life. There is nothing that can replace the void we all have without the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus is waiting for you to receive him with open arms. He loves you more than you will ever know. In Revelations 3:20 Jesus says, "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come in." That's the key; you need to let Him in. He will not force himself on you. I invite you to open the doors of your heart today.

"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free" (John 8: 32)

Joy V. Singer